Several weeks ago a friend of mine had a friend visit campus to do some sewing project. Before the friend of the friend arrived (henceforth Casey), the friend (henceforth Penny) referred to Casey as "he." I thought nothing of this. Although I attend a women's college there is no rule against having male people visit. My boyfriend visits frequently, as do many male significant others and friends of other women on campus.
When Casey joined us at dinner one evening, I realized I recognized this person. Casey had visited during January 2012 and I retaught Casey to knit (or was it crochet?). I told Casey just this and dinner went on.
I was, however, somewhat confused. To me, Casey appeared to be physically female. After going to a women's college for a few years, I have met and talked with people who openly identify as the gender opposite of what they were assigned at birth, or even no gender at all. Still, I wanted to make sure I had heard Penny correctly earlier that week when she referred to Casey as "he."
I was a little afraid of the response I might receive. While it seems to be unusual, some people get upset if you ask them what gender pronoun they prefer. I decided to take a chance and simply said, "Hey, I vaguely remember Penny referring to you as something other than female. Do you have a preferred gender pronoun I should use?"
Casey grinned, bounced in the chair a little, and asked if it would be okay if Casey hugged me. (I promise, I'll start using pronouns soon; I know it's awkward.) I said sure, Casey hugged me, and then explained.
"No one has ever asked me that before! I'm just so excited that someone is so considerate!"
Casey then said that Casey preferred the genderless pronouns, "ze" and "hir" (pronounced "zee" and "here"). I said I would do my best to use those words. We talked a little more on the subject, with Penny jumping in to admit her struggles with the switch in pronouns and how she struggled to understand what it meant. Penny said she sometimes used "they" and "them" instead of "ze" and "hir" which seemed to suit Casey fine.
Although I had originally been afraid to ask, I was glad I had. A lot of people do not get that option. When I was a resident assistant to some first year students last year, all of my residents looked like they would identify as women. Still, while they filled out "Scoop On You" forms (which had innocent questions such as "What's your favorite candy?" listed and "What name do you prefer to be called by?"), I encouraged them to let me know on the form (if they were comfortable) if they preferred a male or genderless pronoun. No one did, so I used "she" and "her" with them all for the year. There were no problems.
What was important, though, was that I gave them that option. Many students, I think, coming into college, have not previously experienced someone who identifies as something other than their genitals would suggest. I do not remember an instance in high school where I knew that someone identified as such. After high school, I believe there are some students I attended the school with who now identify as female, whereas I knew them as male before. College, it would seem, is an excellent opportunity to start anew, explore yourself and your options, and try things.
Because of the lack of exposure to this concept in high school, it can be a little jarring and even scary and confusing when someone first encounters it. This, I think, is not anything personal with people who are trans*. It's pretty clear that they are a minority (though not unimportant!) part of our population and when anyone experiences anything new, it's natural for them to be a little afraid. This, however, does not mean that people who identify differently than "we" do should be harassed, ignored, or put down. Instead, it is the duty of "the rest of us" to try to understand so we can be helpful allies and friends.
I will not pretend like I know everything there is to know about identifying as trans*. I'm sure I made mistakes in word choices above and for that I apologize -- I am continuing to learn about the queer community and openly accept any corrections.
That said, if you are unfamiliar with the concept of being trans* or just want to learn more, I will link to some sites below that will hopefully be helpful resources for you. The most valuable advice I can give you, however, is this: If you are unsure of how a person identifies or you have questions about "how it all works" -- just ask. In my experience, people want to be asked. They would much rather be asked than you assume. I mean -- let's say you had blue skin: wouldn't you rather be asked why than have everyone assume you had decided to give up breathing?
Gender vs. Sex
KnowHomo
We Happy Trans
Trans Image courtesy of The Fallen Must Rise.
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