The Assassins Continue to Fail

In late August 2011, I began a blog called the Discomfort Zone. The aim of this blog was to detail things I had done that made me uncomfortable, such as the flash mob which resident assistants and members of the student government association prepared for the first year students. I ended up forgetting about the blog after two or so posts.

For the 2011-2012 academic year, I did not embody much of my plan.  Being an RA was something that I had pushed myself to do and knew I would struggle with, but there were few specific instances of me trying

Me, Gatsby'd up for the NEFA party.

things that I knew would put me out of my comfort zone.  This year has been different.  I applied for a Library of Congress internship, submitted my work to a dozen or so literary journals, took two classes that are notorious for being some of the most difficult English classes, applied (and was accepted) for a position as a Head Resident Assistant, explored Washington, D.C. by myself, accepted the challenge of an Honors Thesis for next year, spoke to strangers when I didn't want to, went to a NEFA (Near East Fine Arts -- a specialty house on campus dedicated to the arts) party, flew on an airplane by myself, drove seven hundred miles by myself, took an unfamiliar route from New Hampshire to DC and from DC to Roanoke and back...you get the idea.  This year, I pushed myself.

And for the most part, I was okay.  I survived.  I won't say it wasn't hard, because it was.  Especially because I've been going through a lot of personal issues this semester.  But I tried and I lived.

My current desktop background is wood with a post-it note that reads, "Good morning, I see the assassins have failed."  I originally selected that image just because I thought it was funny.  But looking at it the other day, I realized it means more to me than that.  It means I have survived another day.  Whatever the world has thrown at me, I have gone to bed and woken up alive and safe.  Whether the assassins were personal problems, new challenges I thrust upon myself, school work, or changes in the weather, I have made it through.  The assassins continue to fail.

I can't say what, exactly, got me through this year.  Maybe it was the support of family and friends.  Maybe it was sheer determination.  Maybe it was late nights on Tumblr and Pinterest.  Maybe it was my guitar, or my books, or the thought of my cats curled up at the foot of my bed.  Most likely, it was some strange recipe of these things.  And a hell of a lot of nerve.  Sometimes, I think I have nerve in spades.

For those of you still struggling, nerve isn't something that you can buy or just happen upon.  Nerve comes with ages of suffering.  Nerve comes with finding role models and knowing that they made it through (whether those role models are real or fictional is irrelevant).  Nerve comes with accepting that sometimes you are going to lose, but it doesn't mean you are going to die.

The next year, for me, looks like it might be even more difficult than this year.  But now, unlike before this year, I know I am equipped to handle these things.  What's more, I can handle them in healthy ways.  I've had people around me say that I'm taking things too far when I try to deal with things.  But I'd rather be over-prepared than not prepared enough.  I know what's best for my mental health and if it means going too far in the eyes of someone else, then so be it.

Don't let the ninja assassins get to you.

This blog post has been less organized than I intended, but I won't apologize for it. Self-discovery is rarely (if ever) an organized process and hardly ever intentional.  Still, if you have the opportunity, make yourself do something out-of-character, something scary, this week.  And when you tell yourself you want to stop, give it
just a little while longer before you quit.  This is the trick to learning about yourself and to learning about the world around you.

If you can, reflect on it. Write about it or draw a picture. Sit under the sky and contemplate what, specifically, about the event made you uncomfortable.  Then you can conquer it, then you can be better, then you can take on the world.

But only one step at a time.

Ninja image courtesy of How to Draw Funny Cartoons.