I Am So Frustrated

As the summer has become increasingly closer, I've become increasingly anxious.  This summer is still very much up in the air for me.  When I first made the decision to stay in DC between my junior and senior year of college, I expected that some company or organization would take notice of me.  After all, I applied to well over twenty internships and jobs; I kept a relatively consistent blog; I remained active in things like Write a Letter Day, the Hollins Student Conference, and other things that would benefit me (and others) in a number of ways.  Yet I've not heard from anyone.

I wish I got paid for how much time I spend on this site.

I find this incredibly frustrating for several reasons.  It certainly makes a big dent in my ego and makes me doubt and question myself and every little thing that I do.  I constantly have to remind myself that it's not necessarily that I wasn't good enough for a particular job, but that they might not have even looked at my application or I was perhaps even over-qualified.

Still, I check craigslist almost daily; stalk internship websites like simplyhired, indeed, and internmatch; ask most people I talk to if they have any ideas or connections that might be helpful; try to stay on top of my LinkedIn page (add me, if you haven't already); and continue to brainstorm new avenues I can try that will be relevant to my eventual career, a resume booster, and a source of income for the summer.

I was speaking with my mom on the phone (as I do nearly every day) a few weeks ago.  We were discussing internships and both of my parents are insisting I must have a source of income this summer.  While I certainly would love to get paid, it's simply not realistic, especially for internship positions.  Mom didn't believe me when I told her most internships don't pay, even though I've been going through page after page of listings for a couple of years now.  (Note to self: Print out a few of those pages and show Mom.)  (Note to Mom: I still love you.)

Maybe I'm getting discouraged because I keep listening to Matt Nathanson's new song, "Mission Bells" on repeat.  Maybe I'm getting discouraged because I can't put as much time as I would like into internship searching because school work is currently devouring most of my time and will continue to do so for the next two weeks, at which time it will be too late to find an internship.

I've looked into child care jobs, pet care jobs, writing jobs, editing jobs, camp counselor jobs, administrative jobs, marketing jobs, blog jobs, you name it (unless it involves math, in which case I haven't bothered because we all know that would be a disaster for all parities involved).  I even posted on craigslist today that I was willing to help edit and revise papers for college/high school students for a fee.

I think the worst part about all of this is that I'm really starting to doubt my writing abilities.  Lately, I feel like every piece I've turned in for creative writing classes just aren't up to the same level of quality I've done in the past (then again, I always think something is better when I'm writing it than when I look at it months later -- so I could be wrong).  I listen to Matt Nathanson's lyrics and read poetry from unknown authors on Tumblr and feel like if even they can't break through to the mainstream audience, how can I even pretend to imagine that anyone beyond my circle of friends and family will ever read what I write?

I guess I'm kind of talking about two different issues right now, but they are very much intertwined in my mind.  It seems that no matter how well I do (3.95 GPA, a score of 32 out of a possible 35 on my conference presentation, an invitation to join Psi Chi Honor Society, etc.) it never translates into anything that's really worth anything.  I realize that's a kind of convoluted sentence -- basically, I get all of this positive recognition that doesn't really amount to anything in the real world and is therefore pretty much worthless.  It's not that I don't appreciate this recognition -- I do.  But as of right now, I am not seeing it pay off and that feels like an inhibiting force in my life.

Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

It also makes me really sad that I know that I'm capable of so many things, but because I don't turn in a perfect application or a perfect cover letter, potential employers never get to see what I'm really capable of.  Instead, they pick someone who might be fantastic at writing cover letters but is actually useless in the office (not that all people are this way -- I'm sure that's not the case with everyone, but I'm also sure that I'm more qualified for many positions that other people have been selected for).

I'm rambling and probably proving to people, at this point, that I'm really just as bad at writing as I currently believe myself to be, so I'm going to leave it here before I dig myself deeper.


Craigslist image courtesy of Crunch Base.
Direction image courtesy of Hyogoajet.